I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
