this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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