I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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