You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
