Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You're a waste of cheezeits
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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