Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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