I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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