I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
