Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
