At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
