god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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