Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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