No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
