Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
