sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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