If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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