i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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