I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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