my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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