I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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