Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize