sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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