remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
