i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
