I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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