I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Randomize
