I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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