just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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