They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
