I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
