If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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