I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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