I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
