Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
