see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Drunk is not a location!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
