mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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