There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
