Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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