you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
