also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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