If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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