I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
