U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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