I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
