I didn't shave. On purpose
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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