Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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