I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
