Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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