hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
