it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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