Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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