Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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