We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
