he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
