My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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