So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
