I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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