How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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