thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
