apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
