This is not my ceiling
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
